Excuse me, I've done this before

Yesterday, we had "a day out at the mall" that left us drained and more than a little pissed off. I have never been a fan of unsolicited advice, but for some reason, when you're a mom, total strangers think it's their duty to bestow upon you their pearls of wisdom. Thankfully, our day out ended on a more sane note with the sudden appearance of our hairdresser on her break. She diffused the situation by cooing over how beautiful the Bambino and Bambina are, and rolled her eyes appropriately at the old guy on the bench next to us.


Excuse Me, I've Done This Before

Excuse me, I've done this before
No need to tell me to eat more
fruits and vegetables
as you wolf down a Big Mac
(I'm sure your little one's
not gassy at all).

And how in the hell
does this old guy
sitting on a bench next to me
know the first thing
about how to make
lobsterboy fall asleep?
(Stick to scratching your instant Bingo ticket).

Excuse me, I've done this before
so save your pitying stares,
your outraged glares,
for the real criminals --
those who can't mind
their own business.